Monday, November 9, 2015

The Do's and Don'ts of Unemployment

People who think not having a job is the greatest thing ever- you’re wrong. Going to the gym, cooking, cleaning, doing whatever you want! You’re wrong. All of these things cost money (so I had convinced myself) and when you don’t have a job you don’t have NO money! Thus being the case, surely I could not cook, clean, go to the gym or do whatever I wanted.

I like to think I am a fairly creative person so this whole “no job thing” should be fun! I thought. Three days in and I was going CRAZY! Crazy, until I discovered the beauty of the Game Show Network. Try not to leave work right after reading this and go cozy up on the couch to the smooth sounds of Steve Harvey. Seriously, I’m sorry for the temptation. Yes, the Game Show Network was my best friend. Family Feud was my weapon of choice and let me tell you- I would kill on that show. I would make fast money my B. When I was 15 I actually signed up to be on the show. No call back. They have no idea what they missed out on…

When I resigned from my job in May, a job I really did love, I knew it was the right thing to do for me and something I was supposed to do, but I didn’t know what I was actually going to do – other than win big money on a game show! I started making plans of everything I would do with all of my extra time. Clean! Cook! Work out! Get Skinny - sorry for the spoiler alert but we all know how that turned out. Please refer to the below post. These plans went to…crap. If you think cussing would make this blog funnier, which I do, sorry but I have a 26 year no cussing streak I’m trying to maintain. It’s a competition. Who am I competing against? My favorite competitor, myself.

Back to jobless Cory.

Cooking just didn’t seem as much fun as fast food was to eat- instant heartburn gratification and no clean up required!

Going to the gym- that’s like three miles away, and you know, I should really conserve gas – or save the money I would spend on gas for my junk food! Brilliant.

Cleaning- well one day (out of the 5 months of unemployment) I organized our guest room! Then it went to … crap, again. The thing about cleaning is - I hate it. This isn’t an exaggeration, I really just do not like to clean.  I’m not one of those girls (my sister in law) that lives for cleaning or can’t go to sleep with a messy house. Heck, I probably sleep better with a messy house! Now, don’t start to think I live in a TLC reality show mashup of My 600lb Life and Buried Alive. I keep it clean I’m just not obsessive – let me live my life!

So as I lied on my couch, in my semi clean apartment, eating my fast food, and watching television magic, Family Feud, I told myself “one day this will all be over, and you will have a job that requires you to wear pants and a bra and you don’t get a 2-4 nap.” I shuddered at the thought. You see, some days I got really down on myself. I felt worthless. I felt like I wasn’t contributing to my household. I have had a job since I was 13 and now I was lying around all day Pinteresting what I could make out of sugar, bread, and mustard because that’s all we had in the house and I was too lazy to go to the store  conserving gas. When I started to get down on myself I thought about how I would never get this time back, and to enjoy myself! And to eat more QT donuts!!

So I leave you with this:

5 to do/not do’s while unemployed:

      1. When you have already seen every Family Feud episode twice, watch every season of Friday Night Lights at least twice through. Clear eyes. Full hearts. CAN’T LOSE.

      2. Clean minimally. This means throw everything you own into the “guest bedroom” aka where junk goes to die.
      3. Wear the same workout clothes every day. You can just tell people this is your “work outfit” – even if it’s a floral top and black skirt from lululemon and you clearly don’t look like you could work there. They’ll totally fall for it.

      4.  Put off everything you thought you would ever do with any free time you would have; Write your wedding thank you letters (Thank you so much to everyone who came and got us amazing presents, we love you soooo much!! Does this count??), learn how to speak a new language, get skinny…

And lastly,

      5.  Don’t ever make mustard sugar bread. Just don’t. 

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