Thursday, May 5, 2016

My Mom, The Liar

The title may deceive you into thinking my mom is some type of pathological liar. Someone who when you're telling her a story from your work or school day, tells you she has to go to the bathroom real quick and then you find her laying on her bed watching tv.... Okay actually she did do this - multiple times- but my mom is (usually) not a liar. My mom is cooler than your mom, cuter than your mom, and way more fun than your mom. But there are a couple of times my mom has “earned” this title.

At the young vulnerable age of 6 my very best friend Jenner (our precious Golden Retriever) passed away on my first day of first grade at a new school. Cue the pity tears. My parents woke me early that morning so I could say goodbye to my sweet BFF. I had no idea why I was saying goodbye and also why the heck they were waking me up at 5am, but nonetheless I laid down on my sweet buddy (no he didn’t die from me laying on him) and kissed him goodbye. Cue way more tears.

Later, my sister and I went to school, came home and opened our first day of school presents.

Oh you didn’t get first day of school presents? My parents did it right. First day of school presents were the BEST! A new tea set, a new outfit, cookies…. Food - always the best present.

While I was opening my beautiful new tea set, my parents said they had something they needed to tell us. My mom started to cry and my dad choked up. He gave us the terrible news that Jenner had died that morning. Seeing as though Jenner was my BFF I was heartbroken. Seriously, I thought about having to go to grief counseling!

So now that I have you crying and have yet to tell you how my mom is a liar – fast forward 3 years. I’m not sure how it came up, but we were talking about sweet Jenner one day and how that day was so hard. My mom mentioned how it was tough on her and my dad when they had to take him to the vet and …


WAIT. WHAT???!!!

MY PARENTS killed Jenner??!!! This whole time I had imagined him passing away peacefully all on his own, not Dr. Kevorkian style! Who have I been living with?? My childhood has been one huge lie!

*Disclaimer: He was really really sick and had to be put down, my parents didn’t actually kill him.

I also found out that day that a year prior, the “hairstylist” (SuperCuts) had cut my hair uneven - like a good inch difference. Do not blame me for being unaware - my hair was crazy. But that’s another story...

All trust was gone. Complete devastation.

My mom, the Liar.

Another account of my mother lying and I promise you, you won’t cry.

I was a cute kid. Blonde, curly hair, chunky, cute kid. Then my baby teeth left and the monster teeth grew in. Literally my two front teeth were twisted, one with an under bite, one over. It was a mess. I had always thought braces were so cool- I was like 9 okay? I even used to use the twist off part of the Mondo drink as braces. If you don’t know what Mondo is I feel SO bad for you!! I suggest buying a pack on Ebay, that is surely expired, for $50. #worthit. Spoiler alert – Mondo twist offs don’t fix your teeth.

Due to the makeshift Mondo braces failing me, my mom set an appointment with our orthodontist. The only thing I kept asking was if they had to pull my teeth. For some strange reason I had a fear of my teeth being pulled. I made sure I pried out every last one of my baby teeth so the dentist had nothing left to do. She PROMISED me that no teeth would need to be pulled. So after hearing this wonderful news I was once again excited about braces. I went in for my consultation, was gagged by the horrible teeth molds- seriously can we not find a new invention for this?? - and then was placed in the orthodontist’s office to discuss the plan of attack on these mutant teeth.

The doctor pulls out the x-rays and starts to circle teeth. He first informs me that I am missing my laterals (the ones on either side of your two big front teeth for all you non dentist loving people out there) Um excuse me?? I’m missing teeth?? He explains that this is genetic. I start making my hit list in my head of family members who cursed me with this. Then he circles a tooth. “And this is the tooth we will need to pull.” I immediately come out of my hit list coma - ORTHO SAY WHATTT?? 

Naturally, like any well behaved 10 year old, I FREAKED out. I practically shot daggers with my eyes towards my mom and calmly called her a liar. I start to raise my voice and tears stream down my face. Luckily, the office was a glass box in the area where everyone was getting their teeth contorted fixed so they all got to be a part of the show. I’m sure the patients thought I had been given 6 months to live by the way I was acting. Business was good that day.

After fully embarrassing my mom and horrifying our orthodontist we left. Silence and rage filled the car. My mom started to scold me even though this was ENTIRELY her fault! She PROMISED!! It took me a while to forgive her that time- probably like a day because I’m pretty sure she took me to get food, seriously it’s a fix all people! It probably didn’t help that when the dentist eventually did pull my tooth she jammed the shot so hard into my mouth she hit my sinus cavity so that was pretty fun.

My mom, the Liar.

In all seriousness, my mom is not a liar, but a wonderful person. She keeps all the secrets (secrets like you are going to have to get your teeth pulled, but I’m not breaking the news to you), refuses to talk bad about her kids (unless she is talking bad about me behind my back and I don't know about it..) and is the most amazing mom. I feel bad for everyone else, because they’ll never have Jana Kennedy as their mom (except for my sisters). 

Happy Mother’s Day Mom and to all the other moms who have had to lie to their kids a time or two!