Thursday, November 5, 2015

My Fatastic Life

Do you know the exact time the Quik Trip truck comes to deliver the fresh donuts at night? I do! 10:30pm and no, I don’t work there. When you are eating your lunch, are you thinking about what you're going to have for dinner? Yep, I am! Are you out of breath just sitting at your desk? Hands raised over here!  

Perhaps you thought I was going to go into some type of  "If you answered yes to at least one of these, here's how I can help!" Nope! Just wanted you to feel my fat pain.

I have now gotten to the point that if someone asks me if I’m pregnant (I'm not) I may say yes just so I’m not embarrassed by my rapid weight gain in the last 8 months. XXlbs (if my husband ever reads this I don't want him to vomit at the number) and I blame it ALL on Nathan. Just kidding I blame my fat…self. I totally would have cussed right there if I was a cusser.

I tell myself every night “Tomorrow, I’m not going to eat anything and I’m going to work out so hard!” Next morning: "Good morning, donut and breakfast pizza! How are you! I’ve missed you soooo much!" I didn’t eat for a good 6-8 hours while I was sleeping so I reallllly needed those 1500 calories to kick start my day!  

I don’t know what has gotten into me! I’ve always been good about starting diets. Super strict and dropped weight really fast. Now every time I try and start, Nathan offers to go get sweets at 11 at night. See, it is his fault. I literally ate two donuts right before I went to sleep last night. Like, I don’t even remember eating them. Just kidding, I remember every bite of that chocolate long john and fresh sprinkle donut….. 

So as I’m writing this I can see that I have an addiction… 

I have fallen into gluttony and I HAVE to get out or I will become like the 600lb man that got kicked out of the hospital for ordering a pizza… I wonder what kind he I love pizza... NO, NO I DON’T!! I NEED TO HATE PIZZA!!! How are people anorexic? Who are these people that when they are stressed or depressed, don’t eat?? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE??? I didn’t have a job for 5 months and instead of eating really clean and working out – I ate. And ate and ate and ate some more! Reasor’s cookies, Taco Bell, Bueno, Braums, EVERYTHING! Out of all of the clothes I have in my closet, maybe 7 things fit. SEVEN!!!! Thankfully, no one talks to me at work or notices me really at all so my wardrobe isn’t assessed every day, but still. Seven things.

Today is a new day. I have eaten a tuna packet, while everyone around me stared at me, hating me for the atrocious smell – at least someone looked at me today!  I let myself have one cup of coffee (with a hot chocolate pouch) to warm myself up because it’s freaking cold up in this Williams igloo. I have had a total of 200 calories and I think I should be done for the day but am scared what I will talk myself into later...

The only positive thing I would’ve thought about weight gain would be a bigger chest. Whoever said having a big chest covers a multitude of sins- you’re a dirty liar. I’m looking down right now and no sins are covered. Now that I am fat I can truly tell you what the positive side to being large is - other than eating anything and everything. It's that the homeless people stop staring at you and stop thinking they could attack you on your way to your parking garage. "Don't jump the big girl!! She will eat you!" My fat is now better than any weapon I could ever buy. 

I do NOT want sympathy. "Cory, you are not fat! I can't even tell you've gained weight!" Okay, you are either blind or you are insulting me. I also don't want you to agree with me. So let's just not say anything and put those judgy eyes away. I'm going to get it together. CORY YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT TOGETHER. One day you'll see my before and afters - ya I took those swimsuit pics and I literally gagged looking at them - and you will be like "dannnnnng I was so wrong,.. you WERE jumbo dumbo!" 

So to all of the girls out there who have gained a lot of weight during your first year of marriage and think you are fat- you probably are. But so am I. Let's lose this ish.

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